Why we don’t listen to ourselves!

About 13 years ago, I went on a first date.  We met via Craigslist Personals of all god forsaken places!  (this was before it really just became solely for transactional sex).  We emailed back and forth and then met at a bar where a friend was bartending that evening.  It almost wasn’t a real date – I had a few friends with me.  That said, we had a great time, I drove him back to his car and he kissed me good night.  He also spent most of that evening talking about his heartbreak over the affair his soon to be ex-wife had and the revenge he wished to exact upon her partner in this deception.

WHOA BOY.  Red flag after red flag after red flag.

What did I do?

I went out with him again, of course.

 I knew he wasn’t ready, but I liked him, and he liked me so I soldiered on and spent the next 18 months hustling to prove to him that he should choose me over the ghost of his ex-wife.  I supported him through single parenting, almost getting arrested for assaulting the guy his ex had been hooking up with, and actually telling me about “his good friend” with whom he was spending a lot of time.  I kept almost all of these details from my friends because I knew in my heart that this was a walking disaster.

It wasn’t until I temporarily moved across country that I was able to see clearly what was going on and make what felt like a heartbreaking decision – I moved on.

About 6 years ago, I went on a first date.  This time we met in a much more respectable manner – Tinder!  We texted back and forth for a bit and met up and had a great first date of banter and beers and lots of talk about his not yet ex-wife (do we see a pattern here?).  The next day I went to work and reported to my good friend that I had a great date with a guy who was clearly not ready for a relationship, but I think I’d see him again.

Oh for the love of snot, what the hell was wrong with me?  Why did I see every sign as if the Goodyear blimp was being flown right in front of my face and choose to ignore it? Why did I have a constant pit in my stomach as this relationship moved forward? 

What was wrong with me was really simple – I didn’t think I deserved anything better.  I didn’t believe that I was deserving of a decent and fully committed partner.  I didn’t even believe that love was possible for me.  I believed that the only way to find love would be to basically hustle my ass into it until someone felt so indebted to me that they’d never let me go.

This is why in order to cultivate the relationship you desire – the clearest and best path is through your own self-worth.  Without a solid foundation of self-worth, we are all but walking billboards with a flashing sign that says “you don’t have to treat me well.”

Don’t we all deserve better than that?