Bullies and your inner critic
“Bullies are scared people trapped in scarier bodies.” This quote, or something very close to it, came to me by way of the wonderful Michelle Obama from her memoir “Becoming”. It goes hand in hand with something that seems to be very popular right now “hurt people hurt other people”.
It made me think of those who bullied me in my childhood…Josh, Chip, Mandy. It made me think of my mother’s sister who bullied me throughout my childhood. It made me think of people who inject unkind sentiment when no opinion was asked for. It made me think of all of the times we shame other people, so often without provocation. It made me think of me…of all of the times in my own life when I bullied myself.
The inner critic, the inner bully, the inner mean girl/guy….we can come up with any number of names for this but I have learned without a doubt that one thing is for certain true – this mean voice, this harping piece of yourself that can be cruel beyond measure is almost always trying to protect us from something. Bullies are scared people trapped in scarier bodies.
Now turn this on its side. Our inner bully is the scared version of yourself in a scarier voice. What if we begin to approach this bully – this voice – from a place of love? What if we take the time to tune into what it’s trying to say to us, warn us about, save us from? I am by no means saying we should sit around and beat the daylights out of ourselves with this voice. I am suggesting though that instead of ignoring it or fighting with it, we ask it what it is trying to tell us – but in a kinder way. What if the voice that is screaming about how stupid you are is really trying to tell you that it’s scared to be put out in the world and therefore open to criticism? What if the voice that is screaming that you are too ugly to be loved is really afraid of being vulnerable and being hurt by someone? What if the voice that is screaming about how you’d best not even try is just simply trying to protect you from failure?
This rubric isn’t perfect – sometimes that inner critic, that voice in our heads is someone else’s voice – a parent, a teacher, a bully. Someone who injected their own fears and their own hatred into your psyche. What if that voice isn’t even about you? What if it is merely a projection made from someone else’s pain? It takes some work and discernment to understand where that voice started – whose voice it is. This is the work one can and should do with the support of a coach or therapist. It work that can and will change your life.
Bullies are scared people in scarier bodies.
When we approach those who speak against us with curiosity and boundaries, we can learn a great deal both about each other and most importantly, ourselves.
