A Lot versus Well

Last night in a conversation with a dear friend, she said something that hit me as deeply profound.  She was talking about an experience with her boyfriend – an experience of deep vulnerability for her and she said, “he loves me so well”. It’s a simple statement but wow. 

She didn’t say he loved her a lot but rather that he loved her well.

I have been loved a lot by some of my previous partners.  I have been loved a lot by friends but just how often have I been loved WELL.  More than how often, what would that even look like? I think that in some ways it isn’t really that difficult to have experiences of being loved a lot.  But even more than that, it doesn’t take a lot of self-knowledge and introspection to be loved a lot. 

Being loved well?  That’s a whole other kettle of fish.

To be loved well, you have to be willing to be vulnerable, to open yourself up to someone, to show them your soft underbelly – the parts of you that feel tender, the parts of you that you may feel are unlovable.  To be loved well, you have to be in a place of deep self-knowing. You have to know who you are, what you value, and what you need to feel safe and secure within yourself and within a relationship.

Unfortunately, though, knowing alone isn’t what’s going to allow you to be loved well. You can be keenly aware of all of your needs, wants, and desires but unless you’re willing to share those with someone else? You’ll never be loved well. There has to be a balance though – I’ve written previously about being emotionally slutty – that desire that one has to just share all of the messy, scary, shamey parts of yourself in an effort to get it all out of the way so that if you’re rejected for those things, at least it’s early on and you can recover. Emotional sluttiness won’t get you to a place where you can be loved well though.  If only it were that easy! To be loved well, you need to know who you are, be willing to share who you are, and choose a partner who is willing and able to show up for you in the ways that you need.  But here’s the kicker – you gotta do the same.  You have to find a partner who knows who they are, who is willing to share who they are, and you have to be willing to show for them in the ways that they need.  It’s an imperfect dance that two people choose to do together but in those moments of imperfect, you give your partner and yourself the chance to truly love well.

What an amazing gift.